In short
Because motherhood changes every part of you, and most of us were never told. The woman you are hasn't disappeared. She's shimmering just below the surface, and there are gentle ways back to her.
You are not the only one
I can remember that woman. I was really overwhelmed. I was really depleted. I was really unhappy, and I was a victim of my circumstances.
In 2014 I went from a high-flying expat life to rural living almost overnight, and somewhere in the move, I lost myself. By 2018 I was hurting: overwhelmed, resentful, running on empty. I just wasn't the mum, the wife, the woman, the friend that I wanted to be, knew I could be, or envisioned myself to be.
Why it happens
There's a name for the unravelling and rebuilding that motherhood asks of us: matrescence. It doesn't change one area of your life. It changes all of them: physical, hormonal, emotional, social, cultural, economic and spiritual. Yet most of these are never talked about when a woman is planning a family.
So much of what we bring with us into motherhood are unconscious expectations: an idea of what a 'good mother' should be, or should look like. Quite often we are thinking about what we 'should do' rather than what we want to do. I'd poured everything into motherhood, and somewhere in all the giving I lost myself.
You are not failing, and you are not alone in it.
Finding your way back
The woman you are hasn't disappeared. She's shimmering just below the surface, waiting to shine, every ordinary day.
If you start big, you're going to crash and burn. Where I was at the time, I could only manage small, and it takes time to change those habits and thoughts.
A gentle place to begin is with a few questions, just for you:
- Who am I when I'm not fulfilling the roles of mother, partner, or employee?
- When do I feel most like myself? What activities, people, or environments bring me joy and energy?
- What parts of myself have I lost touch with since becoming a mother, and how can I reconnect with them?
You are not broken. You do not need fixing. And it is never, ever too late.
I'm a wellbeing mentor. This is gentle guidance for your wellbeing, and is not medical or psychological advice. If you are finding things really hard, please talk to your GP, or call the PANDA helpline on 1300 726 306.