In short
Often it's over-functioning: doing more than is necessary, more than is appropriate and more than is healthy. Many mothers seek their value and worth in the doing, and resentment is one of the signs your boundaries need attention.
It might be over-functioning
Over-functioning is doing more than is necessary, more than is appropriate and more than is healthy. It can look like:
- Doing something for your spouse that they can do themselves
- Doing something for your child that they can do, so it will create less of a mess
- Constantly catering to the emotional needs of those around you
- Doing, doing, doing: doing everything for everybody else
The larger the gap between the person over-functioning and the people under-functioning, the more stress and issues arise.
Why mothers do it
Quite often, mothers do far more than they should, because the doing is where we seek our value and worthiness. We think about what we 'should do' rather than what we want to do. And if you stay at home, there can be an expectation that you'll be available at the drop of a hat for everyone, not just your family.
Where the resentment comes from
Resentment is one of the signs of a lack of boundaries. Over-functioning leads to overwhelm, exhaustion and resentment. I know, because I've lived every bit of it: by 2018 I was overwhelmed, resentful and running on empty.
Boundaries are crucial, so you don't take on unnecessary responsibility and add to your mental load. Never do for others what they can do for themselves.
Questions to sit with
- In what areas of my life am I over-functioning, trying to do it all or take on more responsibility than I need to?
- What do I fear will happen if I step back and allow others to contribute or take on more responsibility?
- What is one thing I can delegate, let go of, or simplify today to reduce over-functioning in my life?
If your exhaustion doesn't lift with rest, or you feel flat, hopeless or numb most days, please talk to your GP. PANDA is there too, on 1300 726 306.
I'm a wellbeing mentor. This is gentle guidance for your wellbeing, and is not medical or psychological advice. If you are finding things really hard, please talk to your GP, or call the PANDA helpline on 1300 726 306.