In short
Give yourself space before you answer. My rule is at least 24 hours. Then check in with how you feel: if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. Saying no doesn't mean you love someone any less.
Why saying no feels so hard
For years it was always a yes from me. When you operate from a place of very little to almost no boundaries, you become a massive people pleaser. I felt like I needed to respond to every person in that moment.
If you have not had clear, strong boundaries in the past, as you begin to set them you will most likely be met with resistance. This is to be expected. The people in your life have been used to you operating in a certain way for quite some time, possibly your entire life up until now. Don't allow this to deter you.
My 24-hour rule
I have a rule now: I give myself at least 24 hours. Not just for a text, for so many different things. Just 24 hours. Give yourself the space, away from the overthinking, the over worrying, what someone is going to think, and the judgement.
Check in with your energy
When you get an invitation, ask yourself: how do I feel about that? Is that somewhere I want to spend my time? Is it going to add value to my life? Or am I saying yes out of feeling the need to, because that's what you do?
If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no.
About the guilt
Setting boundaries doesn't mean you love someone in your life any less. It may feel like that at first. You still love them, while at the same time you are respecting yourself and your energy.
Boundaries are not selfish. And remember, selfishness isn't always a bad thing.
Having some really hard conversations has shifted and changed things for me. I was so fearful of what might happen or how I would be seen. And honestly, I wish I'd just had the conversations a lot earlier.
Signs you may need firmer boundaries
- Resentment towards others
- A chronic fear of what others think of you
- Giving away too much of your time
A question to sit with
Where in my life am I saying "yes" when I really want to say "no"? What is one boundary I can set this week that will allow me to reclaim time or space for myself?
I'm a wellbeing mentor. This is gentle guidance for your wellbeing, and is not medical or psychological advice. If you are finding things really hard, please talk to your GP, or call the PANDA helpline on 1300 726 306.